Hey gorgeous. I know it’s been awhile and I’m sorry.
Don’t be like that, baby. You know you’re my number one.
That’s a good girl. Now spread ‘em and take all this in. It’s a big one:
Last time I left you, The Men & I (and Ithyk) were sneaking into Sarashcan’s lair. We poked around but didn’t find much. On our way out, much found us. Big S himself and a garrison of boot-stomping guards were waiting for us. I almost had him convinced that The Men were going to work for him and this was our application, but he doesn’t have girl-parts. My signature Madmartigan charm didn’t work on him and he saw my mighty blade was coming for him. He beat feet out of there and left of sizeable troop of guards to deal with us.
We dealt with them, instead.
Back in the real world we brought our info to Conrad, but it wasn’t enough to nail Bram. In the raid they did manage to find a map to some old fortress way off in the desert that seemed connected. So off we went. We arrived in the town of Dunesridge with my usual impeccable timing, showing up right before some poor yokels got the chop from some Ithyk wannabe.
Ithyk barked some shit at him for a few, until things went down and we took him and his cronies out. Ityhk didn’t want to kill the pitiful thing, so now he has a pet of his own.
Whoa. A dog with a dog. I think I just went cross-eyed.
Our new mascot told us he worked for Queen Shephatiah, some fancy desert bitch residing in Ironfell Fortress, right where we were heading. We told the people of Dunesridge they were now part of the Madmartigan Protectorate and the only tribute we required was a righteous party. People are finally recognizing my sheer awesomeness. Wouldn’t be surprised if they made me mayor or something. I totally banged the leader’s daughters. Yes, I just said daughters. Both of them. I know.
The next day we set off for Ironfell fortress. I sent Bat Boy ahead to scout things out. I’m tough on the kid but he really knows how to get the job done. Kind of spooks me, if I’m being honest. Doggie & Marbles are formidable in a fight, and the things Kage and Metalhead can do are mind-blowing, but the kid is in his own arena. I mean, he jumps through people’s fucking shadows now. It ain’t natural, not that I’d say as much to him.
Anyway, we killed all the monsters we could find including the Queen. I even took on two big motherhumping wolf things which was crazy bad-ass. But I had a feeling something was wrong and that feeling only increased when we met a weird old dude in a prison cell. He was nice, gave me a bitchin’ ring that opens secret doors and told us the real Queen Shephatiah was lying in wait for us beneath the fortress. I totally called that shit.
Leaving him in his prison cell (yea, I don’t know…) we delved deep into the oogey mines below. We ganked a bunch more monsters on our way to Queenie. Ye Gods, was she a sight. Some kind of giant evil snake thingy (Kage called her a Naga) perched upon a pile of skulls, flanked by demons, across a firey ravine. Things got pretty heated, literally, when a firey cloud creature erupted out of the hole and burned us all. Ithyk and me shut it down, while the rest of The Men cut the head off the snake and the demons to boot. Well, one of the demons. The other jumped into the pit, awed by the sight of so much Kord-damned machismo.
Found a sweet-ass ring in the skull pile, too. Fuckin’ A.